so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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