Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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