i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
