So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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