Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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