I can text with my tongue
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
