apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize