Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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