life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize