May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
