Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
