bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
