I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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