If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
