Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize