I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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