I'm drive I can fine osifer
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
