I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize