Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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