Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
