he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
