She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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