don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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