i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize