i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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