Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
