just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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