Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
