Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
