I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
