so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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