just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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