Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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