I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
sarcasm needs its own font
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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