sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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