I smell stomach acid.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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