Fuck appropriateness.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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