This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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