Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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