Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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