you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
