Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
