I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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