i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
