I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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