listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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