just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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