fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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