do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
