Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
