dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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