i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
