I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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