I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
