Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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