We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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