I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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