life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
