tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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