It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
